Addiction at its finest….5

Part 5……yay…..

So in Spain, I had my first 0.0 beer. I felt like I was in the crowd, enjoying life, apart of life, connected to the culture, especially after seeing people drinking 0.0 at around 7am……

I felt great, we were happy, she was happy most importantly especially with all the shit going on with her side of the family. This was all in our past, we were living in the now and nothing could have been better.

From Madrid, which was the Chicago Magnificent Mile, Barcelona was AWESOME!!!!! Besides I don’t know Catalan, it was amazing! Get there yesterday and you will feel as though you graduated high school. Great feelings….. So back to it.

We were living life, she decided that “I have not drank for a year” I can have one. She had one……2…3…. first night. Day 2, did not drink until dinner, had 2, day 3 of drinking had around maybe 5 total. Day 6 (of drinking, as she did not drink until Barcelona) 4–5 drinks, everything is good……Here is the addiction she and I have.

Buys a bottle of wine at the grocery store after a couple shots at a restaurant…

We sit and enjoy the view out our window, joking, laughing at people we can here, looking up goofy stuff, the reg……We go to sleep, and she wakes up and I ask, can we dump this wine……no…. Only about a glass left.

So to summarize, she drinks it. We are drinking at the airport, after the covid test. Drinking after this before the plane. Drinking on the plane. Where I thought a problem would arise was when she asked me to ring the attendant to get another drink, she wanted me to get a drink (not drinking, and her). This happens as I feel guilt because she told me to never do this as it keeps her drinking, which leads to me drinking. And begin…now we are in New York (airport, one of them). Eat some food, don't drink, she gets a drink. Still at a point of OK we can manage this.

Next step sees a post about something on Facebook that she is fighting with certain people about, all hell breaks loose. By the time we got back home, she was another 10 deep and I was still sober and driving.

Diving deeper into the aftermath was the time I said F IT, and bought booze. I was not even wanting to drink, but I did because I knew if I had enough, I would pass out and not have to deal with anything. That is what made me realize that I drink to just disappear, and now I know I don't want to disappear totally, just for those moments. This means if I drink I will disappear, but if I do, it will last way too long vs just going and taking a deep breath and thinking in another room. That part is the key, what you are doing to numb yourself is truly not the answer….ever. And I did it again.

Not sure how many fights, arguments, discussions, apologies, horrors I put her through and myself, but I am done with this act.

Where my life is now, vs where it was was is exponentially better….only issue is her life is not. Which means I need to do what I can to fix it. Which with my personality is hard because I always fall back on feeling sorry for myself. For hiding when things gets tough. For backing down. Agreeing when I do not agree. I have done all those things.

I see how she hurts from everything, a lot of which I caused. I will fix it and the fact I don’t have a beer or drink in my hand now means I am trying to do that. I don’t think I have been able to say that before…..It feels good to know I can actually help now.